The Challenges of Sleep in the Early Years
Sleep is a huge topic on any parent's mind in the early years, but none more so than when they are tiny babies – the regular feeds, the setting of routines, and the broken nights. Having a baby and sleep often don’t go hand in hand, at least for the first few months of their life if not longer.
Nonetheless, once they reach a year plus, so often you are starting to fall into a sleep routine and dare I say it – they may even be sleeping through the night! Sleep usually starts to feel easier towards the end of the first year, and that means settled nights ahead.
The Shift in Sleep Patterns During Toddlerhood
Cue toddlerhood… At two years of age, sometimes earlier and sometimes later, your little (possibly sleeping!) toddler may start to become less sleepy and a lot more proactive in how they want their sleep to look! As your baby grows into their own little person with wants, needs, and desires, sleep may start to look a little different for them.
It is not unusual for us to be contacted by clients who have already worked with us at five months of age, achieved the goal of having a baby who sleeps through the night (or close to), only to then end up on the phone a year plus later, asking for help and advice on their toddler who now appears to want to rule the roost.
Common Toddler Bedtime Battles
Toddlers are so unpredictable, but as a sleep consultant, I can assure you that it is entirely predictable that at some point, as they start developing and growing, they will start to push back on bedtimes. This may look like:
- Refusing to get into the bath/walk upstairs (linking these activities with knowing they then go to bed afterward).
- Prolonging their bedtime routine by asking for more of everything (stories, milk, and so on).
- Refusing to fall asleep on their own when they used to.
- Waking up in the night and looking for you.
- Early morning waking.
If one or any of these things are happening for you, then it could well be that these are all part and parcel of the toddler stage that we love to refer to as bedtime battles and beyond. All entirely normal, but also overwhelming and confusing, particularly if you have had a good sleeper up until this point.
Why Toddlers Push Back on Bedtime
The main theme of toddler sleep and their behaviour across the day during these toddler years is the need to test out their independence – control if you like. They are starting to slowly work out where they sit in the family pecking order and want to see if they are able to choose what they get to do rather than be told!
There is also a deep internal drive for connection, which we all possess, and this can make toddler sleep even more challenging.
Tips to Overcome Bedtime Battles
As a sleep consultant with over 15 years of experience, I can reassure you that you can move past this stage, but that you need a little bit of extra knowledge and advice to get you through it. Here are some of my best pieces of advice:
- Increase Meaningful Connection Throughout the Day
Think about using all the time you have in the day for connecting with your toddler. This may sound alien if you feel you already spend lots of time with them, but the reality is even if you are at home with them all day, little of that time will be true quality time with them.
We know that the quality of time is more important than the quantity of time, so if you are a working parent, this is entirely possible.
Find periods of 10-15 minutes as often as you can across your week and set aside any jobs, screens (phones included!), be on their level (eye contact), and choose to spend that time playing with them. Let them lead the play and be really in the moment. This special time helps fill their need for your love and attention, which will often cause bedtime to be more difficult if you haven’t otherwise managed to fill this need.
- Offer Micro Decisions to Give Them a Sense of Control
By asking for one more song or one more story, your toddler is simply trying out their control over the bedtime situation. They want to feel like they have responsibilities (although not too big!) and that they have control over situations.
Rather than fight them at bedtime, try incorporating this into your day too. Across the day, try giving them little micro-decisions such as:
- “Shall we run upstairs to the bath, or shall we crawl like wriggly worms?”
- “Would you like to put your shoes on first, or your coat on first?”
By giving little micro-decisions to them across the day, they feel as though they are getting to choose and gaining that little bit of control that they so desire – with the reality being that you are still very much in charge!
This small shift will help with bedtimes too, as they will have less need to control everything in the run-up to bed.
- Adjust Nap Timings to Avoid Bedtime Resistance
Often the pushing back of bedtime can be linked to needing less daytime sleep as naps start becoming shorter and eventually dropped. This all happens somewhere between 2 and 3.5 years of age.
Play around with nap timings and see how bedtime goes if they have a little less sleep – but don’t cut their nap entirely. Many parents mistakenly think the nap is causing difficult bedtimes when it is actually more linked to behaviour and connection. Cutting the nap too soon can result in an overtired toddler, making sleep even more difficult!
Setting Boundaries While Being Responsive
Sleep is a complex topic and one that becomes more emotional as toddlers get older. Their worries, concerns, and need for connection become even more apparent at bedtime.
We want to ensure that we are responsive to our toddlers while also being confident that bedtime boundaries are really important for protecting both their sleep and your sleep too. As a family, you get to decide what those boundaries look like.
Whether you are a 7 PM bedtime family or prefer to have them stay up later with you, there is no right or wrong when it comes to sleep.
Further Support from Positively Parenthood
For more toddler sleep information and advice, Heidi offers a range of online courses and consultations – you can visit her website at www.positivelyparenthood.com.